I almost forgot.........

that I had a blog. And then one of my dearest friends reminded me - she asked me about blogging some time ago and then just days ago told me she had read mine. I was very touched and reminded about this online journal of sorts. This blog has definitely been a place for me to let it all go, speak honestly and never hold back.

I decided to come back here after a failed attempt last year; I have spent the evening reading over the last 8 years of my life and all that has taken place. All the while the man in my life has been on the couch listening as I read from the past and laughing with me and just listening. "Cape" (thats what we will call him for short) really came out of nowhere and hasn't gone anywhere since. We have been together since September 2015 and are going strong. Sam, Tator and our new addition, Libby are all still here and living with us - yes thats right we live together and its been a very LONG while that I have shared a space with someone special. I am happy though, after all of this time - truly happy. Cape isn't what I expected and he is his own person, however he is all about me - genuinely. I can feel his love, sense his concern for my feelings and most importantly he can understand my OCD - hahahah - no really.

I hope to continue to share here as life progresses, as it always does and provide myself with a life to look back on and smile like I did tonight as I read from so many years ago.

Thank you Mandoline - for reminding me :)

The call came.....

and man I wish I could say it was a relief. It wasn't. Uncle Sam took me to the cleaners and then some......I am now in debt to the federal government and I am not happy about it. It could be worse, I am hearing this a lot lately. Just when I thought this was the worst news to be had, I also learned my rent is increasing this next year and I have uncovered an immune system that is shot. Go figure. Stress  maybe......I say yes. At least I am on track to dig out and strengthen the immune system - my ultimate goal is go be healthy and forego a sinus/upper respiratory/bronchial infection within a 3 month period.

That what doesn't kill you makes you stronger - literally lets hope. On a brighter note I had some much needed girl time with Jess and Kiki this past weekend! Kiki came in first and Jess, her mom and benlette came in later - we had such a great visit and one that was much needed for me FOR SURE! Love them all to pieces.

Uncle Sam

Awaiting THE call from your tax accountant and/or preparer is the worst. ever. It's as if they hold your entire well being and/or future in their hands.

Love or Friday the 13th?

Well here we are, the eve of Valentines Day - THE day that everyone falls all over themselves for, expectations are set, butterflies are in stomachs, we should all own stock in flower companies or farms and of course the disappointment......but not me not this year.

I am focused on that its Friday the 13th and almost 8:00pm and not a damn thing has gone wrong all day! Not only that, I have a great weekend to look forward to with my "pack", celebrating the one and only KIKI. When we get together there is always an assured good time! This year Valentines day has been the furthest from my mind, in fact I kind of forgot a couple of times - this of course is very different for me from years past. Normally I am forlorn, down, depressed, wishing I had a valentine of my own and of course was receiving flowers. Honestly I think I have grown out of it; I am really starting to appreciate the single life, the freedom it allows and the other blessings I have in life.

Not too mention, after years growing up watching the Charlie Brown cartoons, that are Valentines related, I should be made of steel - these are brutal. Charlie Brown never receives a Valentine, is always overlooked, desperately searches out the affection of a little red haired girl and is always disappointed too.

Here's to Valentines Day - wishing you love and happiness just not tomorrow but all year long. Besides I have the best "cupids" to keep me cuddly, warm and all loved up tonight and alwsys- Tator and Sam!

Warning Labels of Life

I am pretty sure that when you are 37 3/4 yrs. old the warning label on your life should read something like this:

"The following program may contain scenes and language not meant for children, parental discretion is advised. "

Or something of that nature, yada yada yada.......anyway my point being there should be some life in your life, ya know? Things that may be "unsuitable" for your viewers. To date I would say my life is pretty vanilla and I may have a hard time even earning a PG-13 rating.

These days my life label would be this:

Thats's right people. I am more of a Little Golden (no pun intended) Book these days.......

Acceptance.

One thing I have learned is that life is made up of a bunch of acceptance. Acceptance of friends, family, circumstances......yourself. Recently while in my "life coaching" (therapy) sessions I was told that I finally needed to come to terms with being single, solo, party of one. Meaning I needed to accept the fact that its where I was and had been in life and that longing for a partner was holding me back from moving forward or closer to a partner. I was also told that being single was temporary, to which I replied that 10+ years (with a few relationships here and there) didn't FEEL very temporary. Yes I know that circumstances can change, mine as well - that being single isn't FOREVER and sometimes the grass isn't always greener on the other side of the relationship fence. Its not that I have a fantasy of what a relationship is, and that there are many who aren't happy and WANT to be single or would rather be in my shoes; I just want someone to share a life with, tackle the obstacles in life with, someone that has my back the way only a man can (maybe this is giving the male species too much credit), taking out the trash here and there would be nice and most of all, not have to show up as the party of one (1) - continually.

I agree I could be a better, proactive participant in my own circumstances, or I better get ALOT better at accepting where I am. Single. On the couch. with two dogs. and a glass of wine. Which doesn't sound so bad either now that I think about it.........

Reasons I Love the Big D.

NOT. It's 7:00pm and I have been in traffic for 45 minutes and traveled less than 2 miles. Dallas North Tollway - it's a love/hate relationship. As is Dallas in general. Maybe I'll be home for the 10:00 news. 

The kind of day......

.....where you put argyle tights on and they stretch so much it looks anything like argyle. Ya pretty much that kind of Monday.

Re-do.

Can we have a re-do, or do over of the holidays and new year please? Serious. Family, friends and myself included all have more than one reason for this request. 

Funk.

In your belly button. We all have it. Grab a Q-Tip douse it in some rubbing alcohol and get to swabbing in there, you would be surprised what it can collect. Just food for thought this morning as I start to take my shower.

I'm bbbbbbaaaaaacccckkkkk............

So it's been awhile, about 4 years if you were counting. A lot of life can happen in 4 years, I'll bring you up to speed and post about that here. For now I will leave you with that Season 19 is getting ready to start of my "fave" show The Bachelor (NOT.), theres been 4 seasons if you have been counting, countless tears, many a breakdown and break-up and no REAL true love to speak of........and I think I may be back at square one with my debate/belief in a higher being/power, more on that to come as well. Looking forward to catching up........

Hold on to your panties......this is a declaration.......

If you are looking for a pick me up post, then you better find another address.......

I am declaring that I do not believe there is a God, a Messiah, a Creator.....whatever you would like to call him, her or it......... (sorry Mom, I love you and hope you don't cry)

Before it gets serious, let me recap - there is no way that the one who created Adam, Eve and the Apple - the one defined as the alpha and the omega - would allow there to be a show like the "Bachelorette"....ahem and I digress.......a show that not only rubs it in that there are somewhat "normal" and "available" men left in the world, but those men are also ready and willing to commit to a relationship with a woman whom they know nothing about and will endure living in a home with 24 other available, masculine and metro men - all competing for the same woman. All the while there are actual women that are REAL, open and that don't need to be on a TV show in order to meet you or be attracted to you while you are competing for her.......sorry that is just my take on that whole pile of shit.

On a serious note and without trying to air all of my, and my closest friends, personal laundry - there is no way after the last 2 years that there could be a god that would allow the heartbreak, sorrow, anger, frustration and disappointment that "we" have endured. I feel like I have a right or at least a place to say and take a stand in how I feel. I have put myself "out there", asked for help, tried to go with the flow, prayed, begged and literally laid myself at "his, her or its" feet - and the only thing that has come in return is nothing......

Now I am not saying that I do not and have not led a blessed life, I do have a very nice life; one that I have created though, and one that my family and friends have been apart of; I have worked on myself, grown, learned from and honestly been bestowed more strength upon than any one person can ask for, from experience or circumstance - or whatever. And yet the one thing I long for doesn't come. And neither does it come for my closest of friends - what she longs for...... we are good people, we are responsible, kind, give back, do right by one another and those around us; and yet the ones who are hard, criminal, evil and those with no kindness or grace seem to get everything they want and desire.

You can see my dilemma, it is hard to believe in anything that you feel does not hear or see you - but gives back and blesses those that may not be in a place that have done "their time". I am in no place to judge, no place to decide who gets what - and that is why I have decided to resign myself that there is no one else that does or can either. I create and live my live as I see fit; the way that makes me happy and I feel comfortable. If that means that I offend or make someone uncomfortable about my omission then I apologize, but I feel like my belief in something other than myself, my love for my friends and family would be fake at this point.

I am angry with God and I am tired of others that are crack addicts, liars, murders, unfit mothers, fathers, prostitutes, pimps, and just plain unkind people getting what the rest of us deserve in life.

Oh and by the way, I HATE and I do mean HATE, romantic comedies. They lie - lead you to the abyss and then throw you off the cliff. I will not watch another one.....period.

I'm taking the "Potato" Pad back bitches!

Score 1 for me! Cops called this morning at 3:00am on one neighbor (renter) about their dogs and non-stop barking! Also that the dogs are mistreated, left out at all hours, in all kinds of weather! Makes me NUTS! Then I decided to take things a step further and with some investigative work and the help of the Oklahoma County Assessor's website I was able to locate the landlords to the properties that are an issue in my neighborhood, or on my street at least. I called them up, told them what was going on and warned them that I was moving forward with complaints with the city on their properties, which could result in fines for them and also that I had made complaints with the police department as well! Actually the landlords were very receptive and open to discussing the issues and told me that they would contact the renters and get things handled. And after a follow up call from one of the landlords, re: the crazy house that is right next door to me - with Mrs. Don King, I was more than reassured that I had been heard and that changes should start taking shape around here soon.......we'll see.......I'm not holding my breathe, but I have my phone ready to make more calls!

The "Hood"

I am convinced I live in it. I should have known when I bought my "potato pad" a year ago I was leery somewhat of the area, but my cute little house and all of its "home-i-ness" took me over and I never looked back......or to the east, west, or north of me.

Well now it is starting to show its true colors and needless to say I am not thrilled. Don't get me wrong I am not scared in my house in the least; but my neighbors are not so desirable. I swear I have a "don king" look alike living next door to me and she, yes she, is a woman. I think everyone is on crack in that house, and its confirmed by how many people come and go next door. There is a recluse that lives on the other side of me, and I have never, I mean never seen out of her house. She peers at me through her blinds. Then there is the alcoholic who lives across the street, and his wife works at a liquor store no less. I have never talked to him in my entire last year here; but he decided to make his way over to my house this past Friday, and in his best non-slurred speech, made an attempt to tell me that there were drug deals going on at the end of our street. I smiled and obliged him and sent him on his way.......

I don't know what is to come in the next 2 years, since that is my term here, but I am sure it will be an eventful one. As long as my car, the boys and my house are left alone all will be fine at the "pad".

Release.

The definition in Merriam-Webster's dictionary for "release" is the following:

• to relieve from something that confines, burdens or oppresses

I would say for quite some time I have been confined; and I am to blame for part in how I have let it control me.

Confined, angered and saddened by a past that was not mine to choose, but chose me and by decisions that were made that affected me, and were not mine to make. However, I was the one who continued to carry this with me as I grew into an adult and let it affect my heart and harden my soul. In the last year after suffering a significant loss, a rebirth of sorts with a past that I longed for, and a repair of a relationship that has been long overdue - I think I can finally say that I have come to a point where "release" is the best word that could describe what I am experiencing.

The road has not been easy, and there were times that were dark, but with the most important of family and friends standing by my side and seeing me through, I am finally growing into a place of maturity, a sense of self. and peace. Peace that has been long overdue.

I realize that as each day passes, it is one that we cannot get back; do we learn - yes, but it is still gone and when it leaves there are times when you realize you should let the negative go with it. In the end what do we have, each other - family and friends (which is a family in itself we create for ourselves). And that is the most important thing of all. All of the people who would show up no matter the circumstances, but just because they love you.

It has taken me so long to get here, but each day I feel more free and more of a sense of release from everything I have carried with me over the last 20+ years. I wish you all peace in your own lives, wherever or whatever that may be for each of you.

Can I get an "Amen"! :)

Happy Valentine's Day

So another year and another Valentine's Day; I have to say it hasn't been all that bad. I mean normally (or I am starting to think it may just be me) if you are a single woman on this day, all you want to do is have it end as quickly as it came; but today hasn't been all that awful.

I was surprised at work with a dozen red roses and a card that wasn't signed - just a note wishing me a Happy V-Day. I did some investigating and learned who my flower romeo was, and it was such a nice surprise and to be thought of.........

And now I am spending the night with my 2 favorite guys - Sam and Tator :) They love their mama, and not just today but all of the other 364 days of the year too - and that's how it should be!

Rebirth......yes "another" one

So it has been months and months since I have posted anything......and after Jess decided to get back on the blog wagon I thought, well why not. There has been alot going on in the last several months and especially before, during and after the holidays. With that said, really all there is to bring you up to speed on currently is that I am single once again; the PK and I gave it another shot and it just wasn't going to work - so it's just me these days and I have been completely inspired by the song lyrics below by Sugar Land and thought it fitting for the place I am at in life as of now - go and search the song to hear it, it's B-E-A- utiful!

Little Miss
Little Miss down on love
Little Miss I give up
Little Miss I'll get tough, don't you worry about me anymore
Little Miss checkered dress
Little Miss one big mess
Little Miss I'll take less when I always give so much more

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
It'll be alright again
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
It'll be alright again, I'm okay (I'm okay)
It'll be alright again, I'm okay

Little Miss do your best
Little Miss never rest
Little Miss be my guest, I'll make more anytime that it runs out
Little Miss you'll go far
Little Miss hide your scars
Little Miss who you are is so much more than you like to talk about

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
It'll be alright again
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
It'll be alright again, I'm okay (I'm okay)
It'll be alright again, I'm okay

Hooooooooooold OoooooooonHooooooooooold On, you are loved
Are loved.......

Little Miss brand new start
Little Miss do your part
Little Miss big 'ole heart beats wide open and she's ready now for love
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
Yeah, sometimes you gotta lose 'til you win

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright
It'll be alright again
It'll be alright again, I'm okay
It'll be alright again, I'm okay (I'm okay, it'll be alright again)
I'm okay! (It'll be alright again)

Pushing 30....er.....33 really

Well it has been over 30 days (OK maybe allot over 30 days) since my last post and at that time I was on a mission to lose weight - well in the midst of the last 30+ days I also turned 33 (hence food), threw a surprise party for my mom's birthday (hence food), Labor Day came and went (hence food) and college football started......need I say more. So no I haven't lost any weight just gained, but I am back on a mission and have a plan that I think will work......

The last month or so has really flown by and now that fall is upon us it doesn't even feel like summer was here! I have been dog sitting my mom's dogs while she and my step dad transition in San Antonio, and I have been nicknamed the CDL or Crazy Dog Lady :) I mean there is only 5 total - but ya it's allot in my tiny house so the PK is keeping Murphy (100lb+ Lab) and that has really helped.

Please check out the surprise party here; it was so awesome and I couldn't have done it without Jess, B and PK - it was really a collective family effort and it was just beautiful and mom was so surprised - so much fun!

My birthday was perfect! I not only received tickets to the Carrie Underwood concert, but also to Sugarland, a brand new "boutique" pair of cowboy boots and coach bag! I was so excited and it was absolutely perfect - we topped it off with some chicken fried steak and a little two steppin' :)

Hope all is well with you and yours!

Umpa Umpa Umpa-a-dee-doo.....

For those of you not familiar with the Willy Wonka Umpa Lumpa - this is him:

This is actually the 1970's version; the actual current umpa lumpa would be this picture with my head inserted on the body (sans the Jersey Shore fake tan).

Seriously the weight gain is OUT OF CONTROL, so much so I don't mind posting here that I am at my highest weight ever of 175 pounds. The game plan is to start a version of weight watchers and drop this extra flab.....

I am actually so fat that over this past weekend on a visit to my mother's we were discussing clothes and some pants that I had purchased for her that happened to be white; while talking about the pants and her possible (major) dislike of them she asked this question.....and I quote "well do YOU wear white pants?" which basically in laments terms means "hey fattie do you wear white, because if you can than I certainly am comfortable wearing them". If you are a woman reading this post (and for my 3+ readers I know you are), you know that white is either your best friend when you feel svelt and sexy or it is your WORSE enemy and mocks every dimple and roll.

Whatever the reason, my weight has continued to sky rocket and the scale is screaming at me as I step on it. And it isn't screaming in a good way, like hey its been awhile I have missed you, where have you been - oh you, you aren't that heavy - ahem - ahem.

With that said let the Jess/Tam "weight watch-a" (as said by Carl the Iphone cutie and my new luva) plan commence on August 8th!

Revisiting childhood.......

I have to give props to Jess, she asked me to go to the above flic this Sunday morning (at 10:00am - so Jess's style) and I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Of course I was the last one strolling in as Ali and Jess were waiting, seats already picked out and looking great on a Sunday morning at 10:00am, completely ready, make up and all - while I of course am in a hat, no make up and barely awake........

That aside it was a fantastic movie! 3-D and all....I have to give it props as well. As much as I was holding out on this "trend" it was really cool and I am sold. There are actually several more movies that were in the previews that I would love to see in 3-D that are upcoming this year. If you haven't seen this yet, then go. Since it is Pixar you will not be disappointed!

(See what I mean, look how polished they are....and then there's me. I need to get on the stick)

On another note I was thinking to myself about the Walt Disney "Logo" that comes up on all movies, and I was thinking about that damn castle. And I have to say it is very misleading when you are a little girl, you think that all of the fairies, princesses and queens reside there and they are awaiting for the princes to arrive.......how disappointing it is for a 5 year old, big blue -eyed little girl (me) to want nothing more than to see this castle at Disneyland, who soon finds out that it is just a walk-thru, that's right a bridge of sorts to the other side of the park. Nothing inside but cement and gallery windows to sell you the newest and "must haves" at the gift shops! Oh well, reality sucks - might as well learn the lesson early in life......there will always be reality but wouldn't it be nice to hold onto the Disney "dream".

See the movie!